


Best Friends (by process of elimination)

by darkavenger



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 17:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7181804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkavenger/pseuds/darkavenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caboose is literally the last person left alive, and Church is pretty tempted to kill him too. </p><p>Post-apocalyptic friendship fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Friends (by process of elimination)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt, posted originally on Dreamwidth.

“Church! Church!”

Groaning, Church rolls over, stubbornly keeping his eyes firmly closed. He’s never been a morning person and ever since the end of the world,he’s been finding it hard to find a reason to get up.

“Church!” 

Caboose is apparently immune to the horrendous existential despair that comes with being possibly one of the last humans left alive, as well as radiation poisoning, and he is nothing if not persistent. Church hears his loud footsteps as he moves further inside the den, and the noisy sound of his breathing. 

“Church!”

“For the love of god, Caboose,” Church grinds out, eyes still stubbornly screwed shut, “there is literally no reason for me to get up. There’s nothing fucking left, except radiation and rocks. Everything is awful. You could at least let me spend another couple of hours blissfully unconscious.”

“But I think you’ll really want to see this,” Caboose says, voice still practically humming with excitement even muffled by the helmet they found to ward off radiation. 

“I really doubt that,” Church says, grudgingly giving in to the inevitable and opening his eyes to stare dully at the wall, “unless its a cheeseburger and fries. Or a double cheese pizza. It’s not, is it?” he adds hopefully, because, hell, stranger things have happened.

“Well, no,” Caboose says, “no, it’s not that. But I still think it is something that you would want to see!”

“Is it people?” Church says, unable to quench the surge of hope at the possibility of seeing someone else. Someone not Caboose. “Please, god, let it be people.”

“W-e-ll,” Caboose qualifies, “not exactly…”

“What the hell do you mean by that?” Church asks, sitting up and looking at Caboose. Not that it helps . The expressionless visor of the helmet is impossible to read. “Is it more dead people?” Church asks, then, horror struck, “is it zombies?” There’s been no sign so far, clearly whatever bomb the aliens hit them with didn’t cause that kind of apocalypse, but Church isn’t dismissing the possibility of a late zombie uprising. It’d be just his luck. 

“It is definitely not zombies!” Caboose announces with certainty.

“Aw fuck, I’ll just go see what it is myself,” Church says, grumbling as he gets to his feet and moves past Caboose to push aside the battered piece of sheet-metal they use as a door. “If this is more fucking cockroaches, Caboose, I swear I will kill myself.”

“It’s not cockroaches either,” Caboose says cheerily.

It’s not cockroaches.

“... what the fuck is that.” Church stares suspiciously at it. It’s definitely the thing Caboose was talking about; the world’s landscape was reduced to a barren, featureless plain by the blast, and he would definitely remember if he’d seen the huge pile of rusting metal sitting in front of their den before. Whatever it is, it’s certainly not organic, and Church fights the wave of disappointment that washes over him.

“It is my new best friend!” Caboose announces proudly, moving around Church to pat the hulking monstrosity on a protruding metal spoke. “Well, after you of course,” Caboose adds guilelessly, “because you are my best friend and I am yours.”

“You’re potentially the last person left on this planet, Caboose,” Church says, “there’s not exactly a lot of competition for that position.”

“Which means I win,” Caboose exclaims triumphantly.

Church sighs, but lets it go. He lost the energy to fight that battle the first month into the end of the world. “Whatever. Thanks for waking me up to see the pile of crap that you’ve turned into an imaginary friend, Caboose. I’m just going to go sit inside the den and stare at the walls for a few hours.”

“It’s not a pile of crap,” Caboose protests, patting the metal affectionately. “He is a robot and he is my friend! I call him Freckles!”

“Dumbest name ever,” Church tells him, then frowns. “Wait, what? That heap of junk is a robot?”

“Yes!” Caboose shouts happily, jumping with glee. “Freckles! Say hi.”

There’s a sudden humming noise, like a generator starting up, and then two red lights blink on as the large oblong block of metal at the front slowly lifts with the sound of metal grinding. “HELLO, CABOOSE,” the thing intones, before swinging its ‘head’ round to Church, who shrinks under its crimson gaze, “IDENTIFY OTHER BEING IN PROXIMITY. ELIMINATE THREAT?”

“No, no, fuck no,” Church says hurriedly, backing up, “Caboose, tell your fucking pet I’m a friend!”

“My best friend!” Caboose adds, blissfully unaware of the ominous way the robot still has its sights fixed on Church.

“Yes, okay fine,” Church says hurriedly. Something that looks alarmingly like a gun turret has swung round to point at him, and there’s a burning smell slowly filling the air, like a plasma cannon charging. “You’re my best friend. Now fucking call this thing off!”

“Freckles, sit!” Caboose says to the giant metal beast, which immediately obeys. 

“Oh my god,” Church sinks to the ground, shaking legs giving way. You’d think that things being the way things were that he wouldn’t care about the possibility of dying. What did he have left to live for, right?

“See, Church!” Caboose announces happily, “I told you this was something you’d want to see!”

“Fucking fantastic,” Church says, shaking his head. “Now I get to be stranded on a fucking dead planet with an idiot and his homicidal dog. Great.”

“Freckles can do all sorts of neat tricks!” Caboose continues, ignoring Church. “Freckles! Tell Church all the cool tricks you can do!”

‘Freckles’ swings its head round to face Caboose. “FUNCTIONS INCLUDE: DEFENSIVE MANEUVERS, OFFENSIVE ENGAGEMENT, ON AND OFF- PLANET COMMUNICATIONS -”

“What did your giant robot just say, Caboose?” Church says, disbelievingly.

Caboose tilts his head. “Uh, something about shaking hands?” 

“No, no,” Church says impatiently, turning back round. In his excitement, he even forgets his fear and walks over to ‘Freckles’. “It said off-planet communications.”

“CORRECT,” Freckles intones, “THIS UNIT IS CAPABLE OF SENDING AND RECEIVING TRANSMISSIONS FROM FIVE STAR SYSTEMS OVER.”

“Holy shit,” Church’s legs give way for the second time that day, “Do you know what this means, Caboose?”

“That… I can keep Freckles?” Caboose guesses. 

“That we can get off this fucking rock! We’re saved!” Church laughs aloud, the sound rusty from disuse. 

“Oh,” Caboose appears to be thinking this over, “that is very good news.”

“No kidding,” Church says, “Caboose, I never thought I’d say this but, you’re the best.”

Caboose visibly perks up. “Really?” he asks hopefully, “You’re not just saying that because I’m the only other person on this planet?”

Church is suddenly gifted with insight into why Caboose didn’t seem so excited about the prospect of rescue. “Jesus fucking -” he mutters under his breath, shaking his head in disbelief and a little bit of wonder, “I really mean it,” he says aloud, sincerely.

“YOU DO!?”

Church yelps as several hundred pounds of armour and Caboose crash into him. “Yes! I mean it! Now get the fuck off!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Caboose scrambles away, although not out of Church’s personal bubble. Church sighs grudgingly, but doesn’t move away. Not today.

“Best friends in the whole universe,” Caboose says softly, happily. 

Church shuts his eyes and doesn’t argue.


End file.
